I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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