I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am spending my child support on dildos
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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