I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
