how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
