please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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