no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
