you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
