my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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