Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
