it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize