my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
