Is it because I queefed?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
