Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
