I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
