how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
