Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
