Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
