I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
