i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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