**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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