I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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