So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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