Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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