My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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