I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
