I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
