Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
