Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
A bitchslap is in order.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
