I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
