I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
