I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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