If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
