My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
