If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
