It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
