im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
