I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize