she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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