I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
