So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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