I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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