Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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