i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
