i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
