Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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