I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
