Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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