Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
