I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
