seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
