take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
