2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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