I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
