I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
