When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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