i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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