see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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