I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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