There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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