i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
