I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
