My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
