please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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